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What It’s Like to Finally Meet After Dating Online for Months. For people who find long-distance partners on the internet, their relationships get off to a unique start. Seventy years ago, the Yale sociologist John Ellsworth Jr.

 

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was researching marriage patterns in small towns and concluded: “People will go as far as they have to to find a mate, but no farther.” This still seems to be the case in 2018. Though the internet allows us to connect with people across the globe near instantly, dating apps like Tinder prioritize showing us nearby matches, the assumption being the best date is the one we can meet up with as quickly as possible with little inconvenience. A year and a half ago, I was 23, single, and working as an engineer at the online-dating site OkCupid. The site held a similar philosophy when it came to distance, and we employees would sometimes joke we needed to add a special filter for New Yorkers that let them specify, Show me matches under 10 miles, but nobody from New Jersey . At the time, I loved the concept of online dating and went out with other Manhattanites almost every weekend. But I quickly came to hate first dates themselves. I found myself always distracted, thinking more to myself about how to make a graceful exit than about whatever my date was saying. Then one day I had my wisdom teeth pulled and my cheeks became grapefruits. Figuring this was not a great first-date look, I made no weekend plans. Lonely and alone on a Saturday night, I started scrolling through OkCupid and, out of boredom and curiosity, expanded my search options to include users anywhere in the world. I was drawn in by the profiles of some of these new, distant matches and messaged a few asking if they’d like to chat on the phone. That weekend I talked to a neuropsychologist from Milwaukee, a software developer from Austin, Texas, an improv instructor from Seattle, and an economics masters student from London. At first, these calls were a little awkward—what were you supposed to say to a complete stranger you’d probably never meet? But then, what couldn’t you say to a stranger you’d probably never meet? Freed from the pressure of a pending outcome—no question of a second drink, moving to a second bar, or going back to anyone’s place—I became immersed in these conversations that lasted, sometimes, for hours. For the next few weeks, I called the Austin programmer often. I wondered what it would be like going on a first date with him, now that I sort of knew him. But I had no plans to visit Austin and we lost touch. A couple of weeks later, for work, I started combing through a data set of OkCupid “success stories”—blurbs that couples wrote in to let us know they’d found a soul mate or spouse through the site. Reading through them, I noticed something odd: Many of OkCupid’s successful users first met when they were living across the country—or the world—from each other. I read stories of couples who chatted online for months before flying from California to Georgia, Michigan to Washington, Ohio to Peru, Cyprus to Lebanon to see each other for the first time. Inspired by this, OkCupid decided to poll users with the question, “What is the longest you’ve traveled to meet up with someone from a dating app?” About 6 percent of millennials, 9 percent of Gen Xers, and 12 percent of Baby Boomers said more than five hours. “For the right person, distance isn’t a problem,” one user commented. “I was young and stupid when I made the trip,” wrote another. Maybe it was the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon—that effect where, when you first learn about something, you see it everywhere—but suddenly I learned that lots of people I knew had this same story. One friend had just flown from New York to Israel to see a guy she’d first met on Tinder. My childhood neighbor from New Jersey, recently divorced, met her Syracuse boyfriend through the phone game Wordfeud. And one of my OkCupid co-workers—a quiet, 32-year-old software engineer named Jessie Walker—told me she’d met her boyfriend of 10 years through an internet forum for introverts while she was a student studying at the Maryland Institute College of Art. He was a software developer living in Australia. They messaged online for more than two years before he booked a flight to meet her in Maryland and eventually moved into an apartment with her in Brooklyn. That was the second long-distance relationship she’d had through the forum: Her first, with a guy from Florida, lasted two years. Online-dating companies are privy to the fact that people use them for travel. Last year, Tinder launched a paid feature called Passport that lets people swipe on members anywhere in the world. And Scruff, a dating app for gay men, has a section called Scruff Venture that helps users coordinate travel plans and connect with host members in foreign countries. Scruff’s founder, Eric Silverberg, told me the company added the feature when they noticed lots of users were already posting travel itineraries in their profiles, now one in four members posts a new trip every year. But travel flings aside, I suspect most people don’t join dating apps intending to fall in love across continents, especially because it’s so easy to filter matches by distance. But sometimes people meet through internet communities that aren’t intended to be for dating. On Reddit, I discovered a community of about 50,000 in a group called /r/LongDistance. There I learned there’s a word for digital couples who’ve never met in person: They’re called nevermets . “Three years in and we’ve finally closed the distance!!” one woman posted. “[f/22][m/28],” she clarified, meaning she was a 22-year-old female and her partner a 28-year-old male. “Meeting him for the first time tomorrow.” A recent survey of the group found most members are young, between 18 and 23. “I guess people on online-dating sites know what they’re looking for, but these younger people in nevermet relationships aren’t really looking for love online,” the /r/LongDistance moderator, a 20-year-old college student who goes by Bliss online, told me. (As a female gamer, she’s asked me not to use her name for fear of being harassed or doxed.) “Then one day they realize they love the person they’ve been talking to online. It’s a weird mindset to be in.” Bliss was a nevermet herself who, when I called her, had just met her German boyfriend of three years for the first time when he flew to her hometown in Florida. They’d first connected through the online game Minecraft, which is how Bliss thinks most nevermets on the subreddit meet: through video games, Instagram, or Reddit. To me, someone who hates first dates, this sounds great. I like the idea of going on a date with someone after you get to know them. “With Tinder, you’re shopping,” says Vivian Zayas, the director of the personality, attachment, and control lab at Cornell University. “But playing these games and chatting, the mentality is more organic, like in a normal social network.” Plus, research suggests the sheer amount of time people spend together is one of the best predictors of attraction—we’re more likely to like people we find familiar. Another benefit of long-distance online dating is that flirting starts in brain space, not physical space. “It’s nice because you’re able to build an emotional connection before confusing things, like sex,” Natalie Weinstein, a 31-year-old artist and event producer who calls herself Mikka Minx, told me over Skype. Four years ago, she got fed up with the men in San Francisco, where she lived. She found them too distracted, work-obsessed, and unwilling to commit. So she made OkCupid profiles that placed her in Portland, Austin, Boulder, and New York, and started dating mostly through video. An introspective introvert, she found she liked dating like this because it let her form an emotional connection with men before the complications of a physical meet-up.

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