How to find and keep lasting love

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Article about how to find and keep lasting love:

A relationship coach shares five unique tips to make your relationship succeed. If You Want a Love That Lasts, Do These 5 Things. Julie Nguyen is a certified relationship coach and mental health and sexuality writer.

 

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Her writing explores themes around mental well-being, culture, psychology, trauma, and human intimacy. Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by mental health professionals. Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Learn more. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program. Verywell / Dennis Madamba. Discovering your person can feel like a dream come true. That’s why it may catch you off guard when fear unexpectedly creeps in. Intrusive thoughts arise: Would they love me if they really knew me? Is this relationship too good to be true? Will they leave me? Can this last forever? While the anxiety may feel overwhelming, this fear often accompanies relationships and doesn’t necessarily signal problems. Love inherently carries a dual nature–when you’ve met the person you’ve always wanted, that means you now have something to lose. Being in a healthy relationship can be one of the greatest experiences in the world, but staying together requires hard work. The good news is that this sort of effort doesn’t have to be so difficult. In fact, strengthening the connection can feel easy with the right tools. At a Glance. In a previous column, I shared five things all couples need to know about love. Let’s venture further with five things you can do to make love last. Whether you’re newly together or you’ve been with your honey for decades, here are the guardrails you can put into place to have your ephemeral connection stand the test of time. Take Accountability to Do Better. When I was in my 20s, I was oblivious to how my underlying traumas were causing me to choose situations that reflected my internal relationship with myself—and it wasn’t good. My relationships were a mirror that unflinchingly revealed my fears, pain, lack of self-worth, and low capacity for intimacy. I was convinced I saw everything correctly and everyone else was in the wrong. Yet my blind spots kept my world stunted and small. I wasn’t growing but becoming more stubborn in stagnant patterns. I realized I couldn’t control those external situations, but I could control what I do moving forward. My relationships were a mirror that unflinchingly revealed my fears, pain, lack of self-worth, and low capacity for intimacy. I had to accept that I chose all-consuming, chaotic work environments because the drama meant I wouldn’t have time to sit with myself. I needed to acknowledge that I chose an emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend because I didn’t love myself enough to trust my gut instincts. I stopped blaming them and took responsibility for my unhealthy behaviors so I could finally explore the rawest parts of myself. The journey made me a better person and a better partner. When you take accountability, you’re ultimately embracing objectivity. You’re holding up your hands and admitting you’re willing to try something differently. You can own up to something when you're wrong, stay open in an argument, and attempt to see someone else's perspective. Your partner will appreciate your expansive ability to admit your mistakes, self-reflect, and make positive changes. When you want to improve for the better, you’re protecting the sacredness and beauty of your relationship. This courageous act cultivates trust. You can be right, or you can be in love. It’s your choice. Turn Toward Your Partner’s Bids. Psychologist John Gottman defined a bid as the “fundamental unit of emotional connection.” A bid represents a microcosm of our desire to draw closer to someone. Some verbal and nonverbal examples of acquiring attention, affection, support, and/or approval include: Sharing observations to pull them into a moment with you : “Did you see that hummingbird outside? I’m so happy we put up that feeder in the backyard for special memories.” Asking for help : “I just went to the store. Can you put away the groceries?” Making life easier in a tangible way : “Let’s visit your mom. I know we’ve had several conversations about her health, and I would really like to be around your family. How’s next weekend?” Checking in about their day or engaging in conversation : “Wow, work sounds stressful! What happened with your project this week? Did everything go well with the pitch?” Laughing at jokes : Making a funny quip, watching a movie together, sharing memes, or making silly faces for their amusement. Learning something and/or trying something new : “I know you love surfing, and you’ve wanted me to try for a long time. Even though I’m uncoordinated, I booked some lessons to learn on our upcoming vacation so we can spend quality time together.” Nonverbal demonstration : Eye contact, smiling, opening a door, touching their leg when they’re close, massage, getting their water without them asking, holding hands, kissing, or having sex.